I realized sincere apologies are rare these days and if an apology is thrown your way, many times it is just used as a “please stop talking” tag. It’s not to say apologies are disingenuous, but I think in this self-obsessed world where we think our 1000+ “friends” want to know how we are feeling through an emoticon, we tend to hold ourselves higher than we actually are. We craft ourselves to the world in our fake portrayal of perfection. So it’s no surprise that when it comes to a real apology, we’d rather say “I’m sorry for the way that you feel.”
In light of all this, I think there are some things that I need to apologize for. Some might say that I’m too young to have regrets, but what I’ve learned in my short life, is that I’m never too young to start making things right. So if you’re reading this, and feel that I am talking to you, let me know, I want to personally say the words “I’m sorry” to you. Oh God, here I go:
I’m sorry to those I’ve ignored (whether in my naive high school years or even to this day) because I wanted to be “cool.” I never achieved that “cool” so I don’t know what I was thinking. Sorry.
I’m sorry to those I have gossiped about. Who am I go judge when I know I have much more to be judged for? Sorry.
I’m sorry to those on the receiving end of the words that have come out of my mouth in a moment where my mind was turned off and ultimately ignored the implications of what I have said. Whether out of frustration, anger, pure stupidity, or futile attempts to be funny, there is no excuse for my rash words. Sorry.
I’m sorry to those I have lost my patience with or have not even given a chance to get to know. My immaturity has clouded my ability to see you as a person rather than a hindrance. Sorry.
I’m sorry to those I have been standoffish towards or seemed unwelcoming. I’m a fairly shy person, it’s not that I don’t want to meet you or welcome you in, it’s that you intimidate me because I want to be your friend. I don’t know if that even made sense, but I’m sorry.
I’m sorry to those who have tried to get me to open up to them, but failed to do so. I am an introvert, I am extremely scared of confrontation, but more than confrontation, I am terrified to be vulnerable. You have put yourself out there in an attempt to let me know that I can be honest with you and that you genuinely care, I in return built a fortress around myself and must have given you the impression that I don’t trust you. Sorry.
I’m sorry to those who I was not considerate to and the times I thought only of my temporary satisfaction. Even though I use the phrase YOLO ironically, sometimes I actually mean it. For having just referenced YOLO, I am sorry.
I’m sorry for the moments where I was overzealous and consumed with passion for a topic, person, social cause, or politics and was unable to be open-minded and see reality in front of me. I am foolish to let obsessions consume me. For the times I came off as imposing or judgmental, I am sorry.
I’m sorry to those I gave a really sucky gift to. I’m probably the worst at giving out presents. Just understand that I try really hard. I am just a failure when it comes to expressing my sincerest love in the form of tangible goods. Sorry.
I’m sorry to those who were caught in a situation where I ran off and ditched you. Like I mentioned earlier, I don’t do well with confrontation or hostile environments so I run. Often times literally. Sorry for being a crappy friend. I tend to avoid situations that really shouldn’t be avoided in hopes that both parties would forget it ever happened, and more often than not I pretend that it is, but the truth is that it’s not forgotten, it’s just shoved under the rug. Sorry for not owning up to my problems. I don’t realize how weak I am. Sorry.
I’m sorry to those who had endured awkward moments with me. I am the embodiment of awkwardness and ungracefulness. If you endured a silence of pure misery in my presence, sorry. I will say though, in that silence I was trying my very best to come up with something to diffuse it. Redemption points for trying?
But my one greatest regret, the one thing that I want to apologize the most for is this:
I’m sorry for all the times that I did not display Christ in my life. I’m sorry to those who have a sour taste about what it means to be a Christ follower because of me. I’m sorry if you are turned away from God or reject Him because of me. Unlike my Savior, I am imperfect. Unlike Him, I have cared more about being right instead of being love.
However, I will not apologize for unashamedly proclaiming God in my life for I sense an urgency. No one knows the day or hour when they breathe their last breath. I can guarantee that there is a life greater beyond comprehension in knowing Christ. And I can guarantee that if I ever talked about my faith to you, it is because I love you and want the most beautiful life for you. I promise you that it is the most important thing in this life, after all if I’m willing to lay my life down for this, it must be something worth checking out.
So, now that I’ve just confessed a load of really personal issues, maybe it will inspire you to go out and leave no stone unturned.